i should be happy, right?
“[Hardwick] understood at the bone the willful transgression implicit in the literary enterprise — knew that to express oneself was to expose oneself, that to seize the stage was to court humiliation — and she accepted the risk.”
-Joan Didion, New York Review of Books (speaking of the late Elizabeth Hardwick) (via my dearest friend)
I should be happy, right? I have a book out. Supportive friends. A litany of events and well wishes. A placard in a store window. Yet, my days are plagued with anxiety and I pace my apartment at all hours of the night, unable to sleep. Days become photocopies of themselves with minor variations.
This morning, I printed out my itinerary for the next three months and then I kicked my office door shut and burst into tears. Aren’t you happy? So happy? Everyone keeps asking, everyone keeps emailing, everyone keeps phoning, and I think I’m nodding so hard that my head will fall off. I want to say yes! Yes, I am! But I can’t.
The thing is I’m happy but I’m terrified and I’m always tired, and I just need quiet and space and time and there is none of that. Why is there never enough time? Where is the quiet? Why is my voice the smallest sound?
January 30th, 2008 at 11:55 am
hang in there… i love my coworkers and my office but every once in a while i need to shut my door, and shut everything else out and just move in my own routine…. the stress and anxiety probably won’t go away until things get rolling along… but you’ve already done the hardest part - getting the book in print! the rest of the process is pretty much out of your control, right?
(oh, and some chocolate might help!)
January 30th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
i think it’s a totally normal reaction. big events and changes can bring that feeling on. make sure to take some time and space for yourself so you can stay in touch with your core. when things are flashing so loud and fast on the outside sometimes it is easy to lose the quiet grounding of the inside. it’s still a great accomplishment and in the longterm big picture things will even out. take care of yourself in the moment and eventually the equilibrium will return.
you’re coming to portland next week, right? it is way more laid back here than new york (i traded manhattan for portland almost two decades ago now) and you will find a supportive, if rainy, welcome. have safe travels and give yourself some quiet space as you fly (that tends to work for me).
January 30th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I understand.
January 30th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
What you are feeling is so natural. You have exposed/shared your truth with everyone and it is normal to feel vulnerable. At the same time, how freeing is THAT Felicia?!?!!? So amazing! Maybe you are worried that your ‘mother’ will crawl out of the woodwork and show up somewhere…but don’t worry. If it happens, you will be ready-you just will. Trust me as someone who has had something similar happen.
This is what i have on my website and what i try to look at regularly and by gosh Felicia, you have done it!
Lo
“Some day… there will be a story you want to tell for no better reason than because it matters to you more than any other… You’ll stop looking over your shoulder to make sure you’re keeping everybody happy, and you’ll simply write what’s real and true… That’s when you’ll finally produce the work you’re capable of.”
-JD Salinger to Joyce Maynard
January 30th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
sorry its late and I’m knackered so I’ll probably not make enough sense or explain enough… about 4 years ago I made a doc about my great aunt which involved unearthing all sorts of hideous facts about politics, dealing with my relationship about the coutry I live in, terrorisim, every time I had to show it in public I had to brace myself. It was really really hard emotional work. I wish now looking back I’d gone into thearapy while making it intead of a few years after. This is entirely ‘normal’. You have my sympathies.
January 30th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
You will persevere! You will flourish! You already are by being true to yourself and by the honesty with which you share these feelings.
I’m in awe.
January 31st, 2008 at 3:24 am
Do you ever read Dr. Sue’s column over on MJ Rose’s blog, Buzz, Balls and Hype? I bet she’d have something helpful to say to you right about now. And from me, so much sympathy and understanding.
January 31st, 2008 at 9:49 am
Thank you all for your warm comments & support. I’m still a bit exhausted to respond to everyone individually, but I wanted to thank you!
Warmest, f.
January 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Your post reminded me of a section in Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
“At first she was shocked to such an extent that her face looked like a mask of grief. It is strange and true that sometimes intense emotion can cause us to respond to cataclysmic news in exactly the opposite manner logic might dictate. This is the absolute value of human emotion–joyful events can sometimes register on the Richter scale as pure trauma; dreadful grief makes us sometimes burst out laughing.”
January 31st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Dear Felicia,
So a bit from my experience. I’m in the Outdoor Rec field and sometimes people assume that it’s all about climbing Everest, or going up Denali, or doing something ohsointense (I’d rather play in the woods/ help other people do the same). Then I get those “Oh aren’t you so EXCITED to go to the Adirondacks in the winter or do this or do that?” I felt that I should be, at one point. It is exciting- but other’s benchmarks, and random small talk can really be detrimental. I didn’t take care of myself, and I really had to get to know myself. “Aren’t you so happy?” quickly turns into a taunt sometimes, especially with the best intentions of others lost when internally you want to scream, yell, run and pound some bread. Things didn’t feel right- I didn’t want to climb large mountains, and the universe sure slapped me in the face with some cold, hard reality. Eventually, I got to the point where I realised who I am, what I want, and what I’m going to do. And, I took time just for myself.
Have you read the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach? It’s got such lovely bits of inspiration, and it really speaks to me at points. She writes other things too, and there are books of peace and inspiration and things like that. Perhaps something of that nature would be helpful…simple self-indulgence and inward living. It can make a whole world of difference.
I’m also biased to taking time to breathe fresh country air; it’s my soul fuel. Perhaps a retreat? Two minutes taken to breathe, to daydream about swimming in the Caribbean (or whatever works for you!) can make a whole world of difference. I wouldn’t get through the day without taking time to sit on my bum and daydream. And, while writing this I got a book idea, so much thanks for that, too!
My most sincere best wishes,
Amber
January 31st, 2008 at 5:39 pm
I understand. It’s scary, but you are so strong and brave, even if it sometimes doesn’t feel that way. Your book is amazing and so are you.
January 31st, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Thank you all for the inspiring book recommendations and sage advice. much, much appreciated.
xoxoxox, f.