what to do when you find yourself sobbing in an airport after reading a cruel review of your book…
Writers are routinely told to never talk about the negative reviews they receive for fear that that they will be perceived as embittered psychopaths. Don’t you dare write an op-ed like that other unbalanced writer who went postal on the reviewer and scribbled off a ten-page polemic on why the reviewer should be institutionalized (don’t worry, I won’t)! We’re often reminded that a review is the opinion of one reader, that it isn’t a reflection of the quality of your work, or how hard you worked on your book. Your friends will send you a multitude of emails with subject lines that read: Screw that chump! or No one reads XYZ magazine, anyway! Everyone will tell you to brush it off, it doesn’t matter, forget about it. It’s just one review.
Well, that’s all very well and good, but when you’ve slaved over crafting and editing a book for years of your life you can’t get back, tried to win over the hearts of marketing and sales directors, vied for those coveted co-op dollars to garner front of store placement, knew that review space is shrinking in the long-lead magazines, the weeklies and other publications, that there are a multitude of books published on your special day, that you only have the attention of your publicist for a span of six weeks (if you’re lucky), that everyone has access to your Bookscan numbers, that everyone and their mother impatiently asks after your next book (what’s next! what’s next!) and when will you write it, sell it, market it, tour it, etc, while you’re frazzled, disoriented because your book hasn’t even been out a month and it’s almost all over to everyone but you, that it’s possible, it’s very possible that one cruel review can break your fragile little heart.
Especially when you’ve written a book about your life.
Earlier this month I found myself in a Seattle airport sobbing into my phone, shouting through tears and hiccups to my best friend, that I should have written a damn novel. Perhaps then I would take the mean kids and the things they say less personally. Ignored the fact that some people chose to review me rather than the book I’ve written. Brush away the fact that I do indeed have some enemies from the old days (because frankly, I rarely leave my house these days to make new ones) and that this would be the perfect time to get even. Not go into septic shock every time I see a Google Alert, an Amazon review, or a mention of my book in a paper, on a blog. I wish I could be the person who doesn’t care all that much, who will only focus on closure with my mother and my own recovery - you better believe I wish all of these things. But this is the here and the now and painful words do sting. People who claim that I’m unlikable, people who bash memoir because it’s the vogue thing to do, people who send me emails about negative press pretending to be kind and concerned, but really just want to dangle bad news all over my sad face, people who poke fun at some of the poor choices I’ve made for myself, all that’s in the past and forget about the fact that I’m trying to live a good life now. It’s hard to accept that people can be cruel because they can, and because people will read it, enjoy it, and pass it along to their friends.
It takes a great deal of energy to be fair, to find the good in a work (regardless of how flawed it may be) or be compassionate in their criticism. You can find fault with a book and deliver a fair and balanced critique of it without the below the belt shots and snide quips.
Recently, I had the chance to read a terrific post about reviews and criticism penned by author and blogger, Mark Sarvas. A sage observation regarding reviews of his book:
Am I nervous about these? Of course I am. But I am trying not to obsess about it, and I do remind myself a key lesson I’ve learned being on the other side as a book reviewer: It really is one reviewer’s opinion. It might have the banner of a publication overhead but, ultimately, an individual picked up your book and either did or didn’t respond to it. There’s probably a 50/50 chance all along, and it’s generally not personal when it doesn’t go your way. (And is it just me, or is there a rash of indignant reviewees embarrassing themselves in the NYTBR of late? That’s one amateur mistake I won’t make.) Sure, one hopes for a sympathetic reviewer who gets what you’re trying to do but, as I said to my agent, there is the universe of things over which we have no control, and there is the universe of things we actually can influence, and it’s best to devote our energies to latter, and simply hope for the best with the former. Which is exactly how I will approach reviews.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:50 am
Sounds like how I feel as a parent.. its tough stuff. Big hugs.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
This is why I can’t bring myself to write what I know I need to write just yet. I haven’t yet gotten to a place in my life where I’m “okay’ with the criticism that would come from telling my story. There are days that I wonder if I ever will reach the place which makes me think I should just suck it up and do it now… but… no, I’m not ready.
That said, as long as you didn’t leave a whiny comment on the reviewers personal blog, demanding reasons as to why the reviewer didn’t like it, you’re probably okay. I get stalked regularly by authors who can’t understand why I don’t like various things. That’s really not so cool. Feeling upset? Normal. Stalking the reviewer and making the reviewer feel poorly for having an opinion? Not so normal.
I don’t think you’ve done the latter. (And if you have, well, you’re still cooler than those who have stalked me! HA!)
February 26th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Big hug! Hearing criticism, especially about yourself, is never easy. I can’t say that I would have handled it any differently than you did. But that’s what friends (both blog and real-life) are for. Tell us where the offending review resides and we will go to work discrediting that reviewer! It’s always fun to watch a dedicated group of friends and family get your back. Of course, if you’re too grown up and mature for this (as I expect you are), then just know that whatever that critic said, he was wrong, and we (the enlightened), know it. And we know he’s a dumbass.
~Amalia~
February 26th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Amalia-Oh, you’re such a doll
But, I’m cool. I’ve taken the high road on this and have realized (as Mark so sagely said) that it is indeed one person’s opinion and there’s nothing you can do to control the fact that a book may resonate with some and not with others.
Firemom-HA! No stalking allowed
!!! I hear you 110%!
Pam-HUGS!!!
February 26th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Felicia,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my review of your book.
I am pleased that it wasn’t MY review that caused you to be upset. I’ll look forward to your next offering.
Cheers,
Gunfighter
February 26th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
You know…I read this completely dumbfounded. WHY would anyone criticize you? You’ve never come across as the “pat yourself on the back” kinda girl….you just shared a story..one which touched MANY people in MANY different ways.
I am glad to have read your story…..and I look forward to reading more by you. You are truly an inspiration.
Amy
February 26th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Oh Felica! I heart for you. Of course you took the high road. You are not petty and hiding behind something like some of those that say or insinuate unkind things about you or your beautiful piece of work.
THEY are a ‘piece of work’ in another way:)
Not agreeing or liking is so different than attacking. It’s like I tell my kids, “when someone teases you or is horribly unkind it is usually because something is cold or dark or aching in their own heart.
Felicia, people are often uncomfortable with truth.
You are not and that takes a lot of courage!
You are still a Rock Star baby!
:)LO
February 26th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I think this is the scariest thing about writing memoir. It’s all you. Some people say not to take it personally, that your writing is not you. But when it’s life stories, it is you.
By the way, thanks for commenting on my review of Sky. No other author has done that! It made me feel special!
February 27th, 2008 at 5:40 am
People suck sometimes. I’m glad to hear you aren’t taking this to heart, although we all know how incredibly difficult personal criticism can be - and it is always personal. I don’t care what others say. It is only one opinion though, and it is outweighed heavily by the rest of us who truly appreciate your story, commiserate with your experiences and simply thoroughly enjoyed reading your book.
February 27th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Awesome post and I cannot tell you how amazing it is to read what you wrote about people always asking what’s next when your book has only been out a month - so unbelievably true!
I think you rock for putting a piece of yourself out there Miss F - it’s all down to the big J - jealousy. Just remember that you rock, you did sell it to s&m types and you’ve put something out there that YOU’RE proud of…Seriously, that’s all that matters!
Thanks for this post.
L x
February 27th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
That is so hard especially for a work that is so personal to you. I had a lot of trouble just putting myself out there in a blog format and I can’t imagine the anxiety that is felt in putting it out in a book.
I loved the book and you should be proud for being brave enough to share your life story with the world.
February 27th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Reviewers who like to draw blood are usually more interested in posturing than in presenting a balanced opinion. When my sister’s book came out, one critic basically rewrote it, complete with suggestions for layout, etc. All at no charge, heh, but it would have been nice if he had said a few words about what was in front of him!
Carry on, Felicia. You’re an inspiration.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:20 am
It takes incredible courage to write a memoir and even though I’m sure you prepared yourself for some negative reviews, there’s not a writer alive who can read one and not feel hurt — EVERYBODY gets them. EVERYBODY. I have never been able to fathom the motivation for cruelty, versus fair criticism. I find the best way to deal with it is with a smile in public and incredibly childish behavior in private for no more than an hour. F!$k that reviewer! Behind closed doors with a good friend, say every mean junior high school horrible thing you can think of for 30 minutes — and then remember to feel sorry for the reviewer and release it. Mean people are unhappy people at the heart of things. You wrote an honest and wonderful book and I’m proud of you. xo
February 28th, 2008 at 10:04 am
I’m just catching up on your blog, and wow, where do I start? First of all, those that can write, write. Those that can’t attack those that can. Those reviewers are jealous. Remember, mediocrity always attacks excellence. I read memoirs, teach memoir writing, am writing a damn memoir, and let me proclaim it formally, you are a ROCK STAR in the genre! An IMPORTANT genre, the MOST important genre!
love.
February 28th, 2008 at 10:23 am
oh, Felicia, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe that someone would not like your book.
I’m glad you’re getting through it. This is part of why I don’t write negative reviews. I can’t stand the idea that someone googles themselves and finds my review if it isn’t a positive review. this is also why I haven’t let anyone read my novel…
I’m glad I’m getting a chance to meet you!
February 28th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
Gunfighter-thanks for the very lovely review!!!! I was so thrilled to get ink on your fox blog.
Amy-Regrettably, because they can. Sniff. But I’m holding up well.
Lola/Lisa K/Lor - you guys rule. Enough said.
Lela-Because your review rocked MY WORLD.
Lisa-Thanks!! I like this Miss F. moniker. Hmmm.. I see smoking jackets and tulle.
Amy/Cheryl/Carrie/Rachel- thank you for your incredibly kind words!!!
xoxoxox, f.
February 28th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I’ve written my share of scathing reviews over the year and never really gave them much thought until I found out recently that one woman whose memoir I’d slammed is still furious about the review seven or eight years later. I thought she’d take solace in the fact that she’s approximately a bazillion times more successful than I am, but nope. She’s still pissed. And while I stand by what I write, I do feel pretty bad about it.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
“because your book hasn’t even been out a month and it’s almost all over to everyone but you”
brilliant. Brilliant line.
February 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
and I meant that in a
“wow, that’s a fantastic, profound point” kind of way
not in a snarky kind of way.
:)
February 29th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Come see me. It’ll make you feel a little better, I hope.
By the way: your inner champion is SO much more important and powerful than the viruses of the literary world who just want to infect you and change who you are. Like the song says, Baby, Don’t Go Changin’!
February 29th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I said spectacular in my MotherTalk review and I meant every letter of it.