single? oh, you poor thing…
a few weeks ago i was chatting with old acquaintance who asked about my love life. questions such as these are becomming all too frequent: are you dating anyone? is there anyone special? in response, i shake my head, proud, and tell this person just how happy i am. my book is being published this year, i’m working at a company that values the work i do, i’m less of a head case and i have a group of incredibly supportive, witty and crazy beautiful friends. so far, this year, couldn’t be better. but this person interrupts, says, don’t worry, you’ll find him soon.
i didn’t realize i was worrying.
i had gotten used to the fact that i’m surrounded by gooey, happy twosomes (they are my friends and goddamn i love them, i really do). i’ve accepted the fact that i frequently get mistaken for being a lesbian because i bring my only other single friend as my date to said dinners which involve a table of married with children, married and they might as well be married, couples. i’ve resolved to the fact that like everything else i’ve worked so hard for, if i build it, he will come. but this, having a partner, by no means completes me. i’m already complete, this is just the icing on the proverbial cake.
until i meet smug girls who check their text messages while they’re out for girl drinks just to see if he “checked in,” until i hear the landmark first date story thirty-four times, not counting the times i’ve heard it via email or it’s posted on their myspace page or they create a goddamn blog spreading the joy of their happiness and sending you the links to the “how we met” entry as a means of inspiration. or girls who say, don’t worry, you still have some years left, girls who suddenly use the word “we” in every other sentence: we liked the movie, we read that book, we speak in concert. the girls who breathe a sigh of relief that they’re finally settled (whew!) - just one less thing to worry about!!! it’s these times i’m desperate for a stapler, a pot or any cast iron object which i can fling in all directions.
trust me, i was not a smug asshole while i was in a relationship. i had an identity (i was a crackpot and a bordeline alcoholic, but by god, i still said I!!!) and i didn’t make other people, single people, feel insignificant because they haven’t met the “one.” and if i hear one more story of a friend of a friend of a friend (because it’s never their friend in question) who got married after posting a personal ad on match.com, i’m going for the blowtorch. oh, don’t worry, you’ll meet him when you least expect it! are you sure you’re putting yourself out there, i mean, really putting yourself out there?
to which i reply: yes, i’m hooking (putting the H back in HO, baby) and i’ve opened up shop right out of my little brooklyn abode. little sophie is my bouncer and takes a 10% cut.
and let me not even begin the lament on all my guy friends who have suddenly died and forgot to invite me to the funeral (translation: i’m now in a relationship and all subsequent outings must involve the girlfriend).
grrr…..
January 15th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
This made me laugh. The grass is always greener…I’m married but I don’t say “we”, I don’t ask “permission” to do things, and I think I’d be content single, too. The “Whew one less thing to worry about” is hilarious because in my opinion marriage ADDS things to worry about! I say we should all enjoy where we are at, eh?
You are fulfilling a life goal I have this year with your book being published! Way to go!
January 16th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
Check out today’s NY Times - single women are no longer in the minority…
People’s attitudes are annoying, but I think that they will change to reflect the changes in our society.
January 16th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Oh, I’ve had my fill of that crap. A girlfriend used to gush about her boyfriend, then go “Don’t worry, Jasmin, you’ll find someone soon.”
What. The. Hell?
Excuse me if I don’t yoke my entire identity on a relationship and you know … get a *life*.
January 16th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Jodi - Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and for the wonderful words of encouragement
June - Will def. check out the NY Times piece, I’m still reeling from the Style section piece: http://gawker.com/news/real-estate/about-those-financially-independent-west-village-roomies-228783.php
Jasmin - two words: HELL YEAH.
January 16th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
You’re funny. And damn smart.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:51 am
This is just too funny. I too have been worried of late of being confused with a Lesbian to the point of thinking twice about cutting my hair short because of how people would perceive me. At family events I get “placed” at the “singles” table, and my cousins have taken to say “how about that one? All you have to do is clean him up a little and he’ll be good to go”. As far as I’m concerned, marriage brings more work, if you don’t cook often all of the sudden you have to cook every day, clean often, do laundry at least once a week (I do twice a month, have plenty of underwear, towels, linens, and of course…clothes….I am a girl after all). Anyway, I feel your pain! and happy to see others like me out there.
January 17th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
My sister gets the same garbage at work at family functions … she’s at the beginning at finding her balance and her sobriety … perhaps soon the words she needs to tell others to leave that subject alone.
Bummed I missed yesterday’s contest. :-\
January 17th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
i was just thinking, yesterday, that it had been a while since i’d read one of your rants, and now here’s this post. you never fail to make me laugh, felicia! i think anyone who has ever been in a relationship has made people feel like that at some point, but the more aware among us are at least careful to avoid it whenever possible.
besides, being married is great (having a little baby is great, too!), but darned if being single doesn’t rock, too. not that i have to tell you, but don’t waste your time defining yourself the way other people do, because they don’t know what they’re talking about.
rock on, felicia
January 17th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
If you never get married you never have to worry about getting divorced!
January 17th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
You guys are terrific!
And yes, I forgot the marriage snafus - either being lumped at a table with the marrieds in hope that they’ll set me up with someone or at the leper, eh-hem, singles table where i imagine us all chain-smoking and handbag-skinned.
January 18th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Nothing wrong with being divorced, either! Strange things happen in your thirties, like growth and change and junk. If you know (and like!) who you are as an indy, whether you’re single, married, divorced, childless, childful, etc., then your chances for real contentment skyrocket, and everyone should just quit trying to dictate to everyone else what status they should be striving for. Great post, felicia; it made me laugh and got my hairs raised–thanks!
January 18th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
I was single for most of my thirties and caught all this crap constantly. My most hated was the vile, furrowed brow, lower-lip extended, tilted head sad face. “You’re so great–my husband and I were talking about it last night–we can’t figure out what’s wrong with you that you’re always single.” Someone actually said that to me! WTF?!?
Of course this was the same friend who’d beg me to regale her with what I considered boring dating stories because she hadn’t seen a penis (except her husband’s) for ten or so years. And she wasn’t seeing his too frequently either.
January 18th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Don’t worry Felicia, I think you will find him soon!
Haha. Just kidding.
I just tell everyone–single, married, divorced, dating…to just enjoy their lives. If you don’t enjoy it, misery doesn’t care what your relationship status is.
What’s bothering me now that I’m dating someone quite seriously is the continuous questions from everyone, “So when are you getting married?” Yeah, ok…I’m having fun, why is that an issue?
January 18th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Joy,
I hear you! One of my good friends is in a terrific, committed relationship and every year, without fail, she gets the “holiday hope” from her parents. the wink-wink, nudge-nudge, do let us know if you get a special gift (as they desperately deep breathe over her left hand).
Isn’t it enough that she’s happy? That she’s in a committed, amazing relationship with someone whom she loves. What is the obsession about completing this idyllic family portrait from circa 1950. I just don’t get it.
January 20th, 2007 at 4:57 am
[…] the most ridiculous things you’ve ever heard?!? When I read Felicia’s, “single? oh, you poor thing…“, I suddenly felt the weight of expectations of people on those in stea […]